Anniversary!!

What an awesome anniversary i am having so far. Its like a dream come true. Only in this case the dream was a nightmare which has fallen over me like a bucket of cold water washing away all of my happiness and dreams for a great future which I saw with the help of him last year exactly at this time.

Anyways, being a dotted person that he is, he presented me with such a wonderful present today that tops all the other that he has conferred upon me in the last 6 months being blocking me on gmail, deleting me from yahoo, ignoring my phone calls,yelling at me, making fun of me with friends, Phew!! Quite loving na! He is very thoughtful as you can see by all that he has done for me so far. And not to outdo himself and maintain his brilliant record in hurting me, he has gone ahead and deleted our pics together from his account. I am so obliged I cant even express my feelings in words here. The tears say it all.

Thank you very much dear, will remember it forever! Happy Anniversary to u too!!

What To Do-DILEMMA!!

Can't sit idle,
but don't want to work
Don't serve me with ladle,
but keep responsibilities at shirk

Can't live alone, but don't want to get attached
Neither asking for a clone, nor life detached

Such is my dilemma,
now tired of facing the heat
Bring me the one for whom and only whom my heart still beats

Miss U

Minutes Inside My Head

22:30- The whole day i felt sort of....deluded. I dont understand why. Been feeling kind of detached or something from the rest of the world yet longing fr that very world..i dont knwwww....

22:40- I guess i kind of not feel detached from one single thought which has become a part of my life now! It is more of routine like breathing which i may say so! but just like my breathing becomes shallow and rapid sometimes causing me to take notice of it, this feeling too well surfaces sometimes and hits me with the full blow!

22:45- Enough of these musings, lets just concentrate on something else fr a while. TV for instance.

23:30- A good tp, bt now am back again. Its increasing now bit by bit. Oh God!

23:34- OMG, its starting to resurface again tonight. Am sad again. Oh why cant the life be how i perceived why cant it be the SAME as it was a few months back when i was blisfully happy. Oh god, why do i have to endure this time and these feelings?

23:36-Crying inside sobbing at first

23:40- Its still persistent.Chatting with Kipsi too nt helping a bit. I am slipping into it... plzzz save meeee. Am feeling lonely again.. am lonely.. am lonely.. am lonely,...



23:45- Its starting to sink in now. AM Lonely.......

23:50- Starting to practically HOWL now. My whole body is convulsing with the tremors! I MISS UUUUUuu

23:56- I miss uu baby, miss u so much... i misss u like hellll, u dont even realize how much i miss u, every minute, every second, every milli second, every waking moment, even in my sleep, even while brushing my teeth, even while taking a walk, even while cooking food, even while working, even while travelling, even while talking, even while dancing, even while LIVING... i MISS uuu very much

00:00- I MISSS UUUUUU, I AMMMM MISSSING U LIKE HELLLL, I MISS U SOO MUCH, u dont even realize how much i miss u, every minute every second, every milli second, wevery waking moment, even in my sleep, even while brushing my teeth, even while taking a walk, even while cooking food, even while working, even while travelling, even while talking, even while dancing, even while LIVING... I MISS uuu very much I MISSS UUUUUU :( I MISSSS U :( I MISSS UUU :( :( :( :(


abbuu

A Window Partially Open

A window partially open stands tall
in the house named my life
which says it all

You are given a peek into the world that has been left behind
littered with some forgotten memories
and some still carried along side

You witness the blossoming of a tale
which is not less than if not more than a fairytale
complete with a prince charming and demure nightingale

Alas! the fairytale still seeks its happy end
where two people live happily ever after and after
at the next bend


hope floats for the hope not to be broken
that is why the window is only partially open....

Learning The Hard Way-Better To Keep Your Mouth Shut!

Its been a while since I paid the visit to my blog owing to my illness caused by one pesk of a mosquito belogning to the Dengue clan! urrrghhh....So I am going to enlist here some of the things which I hope would let me draw inspiration from and don't let me forget my past sins and what I have to learn from them and avoid repeating them in the future.

I have learnt it the hard way about keeping my mouth shut in front of people even if they are your very close friends or relatives. I mean, granted you really want to sort it out your thouhgts and the mish mash amalgam swirling inside your mind but that doesn't mean that opu have to do it in presence of others. I mean, I have to do it on my own or better yet keep somethings to myself and not give into my hyper state everytime I go through it. Its high time, I start making an effort to behave in a more responsible manner and acvcet the conseuqences of my actions.[ Which is quite hard by the way] I cannot repent over what's happened and what could have happened]

I need to realize this which is trust me very very hard for me that what has happened has happened, should not repent over it but concentrate on learning from those mistakes and try not to repeat them in the future. I mean, yeah it is easier said than done and one does feel distort over their desired results and things going exactly in their opposite direction.

But the thing is you have to accept it. Harder or easier, you have to do it. I have been learning many things these past few days and one of them is the virtue of being patinet and not giving food to my thoughts. Though I still need to master it.I was perhaps pretty much happy with my behaviour I never expected myself to be like this in the least. But I guess time makes your learn everything at one point or other in your life.

The thing that I also realised is that even when you are not doing anything or expecting anything, situations do have a way of turning around on you whether you like it or not. I don't want to repent over it seriously and forgo what's happened and that can be achieved only when I am patient and accept the realities of life.

I hope I succeed in it and believe in God that whatever happens, happens for a good reason. I really want to build my life around this thought! Just help me out God this time, because this time I really want to help myself.

AB KISKA BAND BAJEGA!!!!

This was the only title raging inside my head at the moment. Strange na...Now why would I be thinking about such a thing at a time when I am in my dopey- over the top- highly- melodramatic- sentimenatl- yet- true- in- her- feelings phase? Why ? Why? Why? Why couldn't I get a much better or catchy headline for my latest post instead of this Band Bajgea and all stuff [ incidentaly, it was the tag line of Roadies in its initial years]

hmm... Maybe sub consciously I was thinking all the violent things that have been taking place in my life lately [like last Saturday only!] :D lolz. Or maybe I really want to shed my meak,clumsy and scaredy cat appearance for once and take on everyone by surprise by behaving in a totaly brash manner. Mann kar rha hai ek baar sabki baja hi dun ache se!!

So keep guessing folks....It might be your turn next. Be ready baby, you are the strongest contenders for the first spot!! BAJAO SESSION coming soon!!

MERI KAHAANI:GEET KI ZUBAANI

It all started with

Main ladka hun tumm ladki hoo.....
ki aaya mausamm dosti kaaa :)

and went though the phase of

Arrey arrey ye kya hua maine na ye jaana....
hum me tum me kuch to kuch nahi hai kya
aur kuch ho jaaye to phir yakeen hain kyaa....

tum chale jao zara hum sabhal jaayein
dhakane dil ki kahin na aaj machal jayein
waqt se aage kahin na hum nikal jaayein...

which later transpired into



Dil kho gaya ho gaya kisi ka
ab raasta mil gaya khushi ka
aankhon me hai pyaar sa kisi ka ka
ab raasta mil gaya khushi ka
rishta naya rabba, dil choo rha hai
kheenche mujhe koi dor teri ore....

and suddenly started sliding down to

Jaane tu mera kya hai, jaane tu mera kya tha
tu hi mera har pal har lamha thaa
jaana kaise maine na jaana, ke pyaar yahi hai ye
jaane tu ya jaane na....

got a jolt nonetheless lived on the hope of

Aaoge jab tum saajnaa, angana phool khilenge
barsegaa saawan, barsega saawan jhoom jhoom ke
aaoge jab tum saajna....

got a surprise one day with

Dekho wo aa gaya, dekho dekho wo aa gaya....

then again

Thoda sa pyaar hua hai, thoda hai baaki
hum to dil de hi chuke, bus teri haan hai baaki....

with a soft soft beating that said

Tu sabr to kar mere yaar,zara saans to le dil daal
chal fikar nuu goli maar yaar chal din jindai de chaar
haule haule ho jayega pyaar baliye, haule huale ho jayega
pyaar....

flowers started blooming with

Kaise mujhe tum mil gayi, kismat pe aaye na yakeen....

got mystified by the turn of events in particular to
Humhe Jab se Mohobaat ho gayi hai, ye duniyaa khoobsoorat ho gayi hai....

and my heart croooning to

Ab dekho mil gaye to phir se naa kahin kho jaana
aankhon me hi rehna baahon me tum meri so jaana....

and progressing to

Baahon ke darmiyaan do pyaar mil rahe hainn....
dhadkan bani zubaan....

My heart's condition is like

Kaise kahun bina tere zindagi bhi kya hogi
jaise koi sazaa koi baddua hogi
maine kiya hai ye faisla....
jeena nahi hai tere binaa....



Now i want to say just few things to the saviour of my life and my better half

Sabki baraatein aayi doli tu bhi laana
dulhan bana ke humko rajaji le jaanaa....

coz i heartly wish

Dhoop Ho Saaya ho din ho ki raat raahe....
tera mera saath raheeee, tera mera saath rahe....

waiting for you coz

Hum se sanam kyaa pardaa, hum se sanam kya parda....
ye aaj ka nahi milan ye sang hai umar bhar kaaaa....shh shhh shhhhhh.... :D ;)

so Mr. 'Kyoun ho gaya na?'

after so much time still


It all started with

Kheenche mujeh koidor...teri ore....:*

STRAIGHT FROM HEART

This Blogpost is straight from my heart. it will define whatever i am feeling at this momnet irrepective of the turns and turmulations of the events of today or in thwe past. i jus witnessed the most cruhsing moment of my life today, when i read something which i wasn't supposed to. it pierced right through my heart and it felt like osmeone is really tearing my heart out fmr in there. for few moments i couldn;t even breathe. it was dthe worst attack of hyperventuilation till yet to me. i mean, i literally thought i wouldn;t breathe again. thos os my ;last. such was the height of my panic.

maine ywe bilkul nahi expect kiya thaaa....i am really really hurt. i mean today was supposed to be the most goregous day of my life. a really special one. but it turned out to be mosat gruesome with two people getting hurt badly in the process. i really ma nt able to tolerate this pain. but there is another vein in my heart that is throbbing for him, that wants her love back just the way it was before the fight., just the way love was, how it should be.

i ma badly aching for him, but i am heart too and in between somewhere i hurted him too. it euqals the scor i guess. but i feel rotten inside yet confused. i hve never given os much into a relationship ever before like this one coz none made me feel such ever before. i mean, even if osmething bad happens on your life, you still odn;t stop living it? how can you hate your own liofe. he is my life!!

i hope if he reads it, he understands whta i am going through at thios moment,hgow much hurt i am though still a smadly in love with him a sever. what broke my heart the most was the idea of losing my somethign special moments to public. them being made eqaul wqith other people which accoridng to me hsouldn;t be the way as it was our special thing.

this is the main htought coursing throughb meee i guess and the fact of losing him and our love which is rh driicinvg force of my life. i just wish some sliutins spring spout soon and wipe this ugly episode from pour lives. ii know whle readingf it, you will be angry,bus ek baar hum dono ke beech jo kuch bhi special haii if you value it from your heart, then you will help me walk out of this phase....waiitng

What Happened Today

Hmm quite a simple title as compared to my earlier twisted taunted versions.. Well yet i think this one is interesting enouhg to intrigue anyone to think for a minute what happened today.. I am not here to curb your inquisitve desires i just want to write simply what happned today..

Today was the first Saturday of the month. That means office for me. Felt too tired in the morning..but had to go or i felt like going. Maybe driven by something else [ofcourse not work yaar!:D]. Having said that i would like to add that with the kind of emotional turmoil i went through this week..i feel fully justified in keeping the work and everything else at the back seat against my feelings.

So anywayz, after performing my usual routine checks in the morning at office i called up Abbu after waitng for his call[ another one of my daily activities]. He was sick and by sick i mean really sick. Aleast sound se to aisa hi lag raha tha..
Listening to him like this made me forget my resolve of last night a little bit and i became my usual caring bird for him.

He was at home for the day..Hearing this an idea formed shape in my mind wherein i could take a chance of meetimg him today or go back waiting for him and to clear out all our doubts till the next weekend [which incidentally would mark our complete one month of absence from weekly & by-weekly meetings].



So, i knew already he would say no to the plan. But this time i was firm in my mind. I want to meet him. I had this feeling in me that the fate of our relationship depends on our meeting. It is crucial so i quickly submiited my work report, hopped an auto and went onto one of the most important meetings of my life. Upon reaching there, something happened. The moment i saw him something melted inside me..Was it sad? Was it a happy feeling? Or was it my moment of weakness? I don't know. But the way he turned and started walking in front of me made me feel this way....

The rest of the day droned on with us clearing our differences in bits, making up with each other and ofcourse his sickness. I don't feel up to it to write all those things down [PERSONAL MATTER]. But even though i felt good and was happy to be with him, there were moments of doubts that used to put a shadow across my eyes for a fraction of a second. And that is disturbing for me. I hope this feeling passes away soon.

Time to go arrived soon and after three hours of all this i was set to leave. Suddenly, there it was again that feelng which is unexplanable right now. Mixture of sadness and happiness having its effect on me slowly, rising inside me from bottom to top and finally reaching the climax..I guess he wouldn't even have realized what was going on inside me. That doesn't matter i wasn't there to showcase myself in front of him.



I was there to save something precious to me. Hope what i heard today will come true one day and fill my life with happiness. And this is all what happened today [ on Rose Day!] Happy Rose Day!!

P.S. I didn't got a single rose on Rose Day! Is someone listening out there??

I wish i could make you understand

It has always been a desire of mine,
to be with the one who can make my eyes shine

to bask in the light of someone's unconditioned love
and me trying to make life happy for my love.

to make him understand what he means to me
without you life is nothing for me....

sadly, you fail to understand me sometimes
or maybe its me who fail all the times

i leave the matters now in your hands to decide
whether to trust me or not, the ball is on your side.

it has been a desire inside me so strong
for you not to take me wrong
that i wish i could make you understand
i do understand....

HUFF.. HUFF..TOO MUCH .. HUFF HUFF HAPPENING SINCE YESTERDAY..HUFF HUFF TAKE A BREAK!!.. HUFF HUFF

Phew! i am panting even reading the blog title..gosh! is it really happening? i mean ofcourse it is happening.. a very special moment in my life that has been a secret dsesire nesting in some corner of my heart for sometime now, has actually taken the shape of reality. It is good, no actually it is great! the best moment of my life till yet.. but one thing that i fail to understand is that why does all the other things have to happen along with it simultenously!!

I mean would it kill someone, if people can take a breather or God up there would take a break from writing all the various chapters of my life on a single page!!!! There are times when i feel sooo bored that wish something to happen, even anything. At that time every thing seizes to kikcstart not even the meagre ones.



But just one day, i mean that very day when i should be dancing with joy, i get the news of one of my oldest and dear friends being presnet in India [ who by the way is leaving on Friday so just got three days to meet him!!] There is offical problem of sorting through one of my very important work folder being evaporated in thin air!!, dealing with the new fond complexities of being a senior, a scuffle with mom, name calling session with sis, a huge fight with my supposedly Best Friend Kipsi over a silly issue[ my blog lolz]

And i haven't even started on Shilpo's cousin brother in law's sangeet ceremony dilemna[ have to search for a performance song for her. To make matters easy for me she has instructed to me find a song which noone has ever performed in her in law's family history.. quite a piece of cake right]



Oh and how can i forget the icing on the cake.. its Nits. He is about to leave the country in about two months time!! that too for UK!!! He is saying it will take place only when he will make up his mind. But still the idea of him going saat samundar paar is enough to start my over active imagination run wild. Guess God also doesn't want to deviate from his pattern of confusing and churning everything in my life to present an amalgam of things for me to sort out. That's how i have alwayz handled things and this is how i will deal with one of the most fortunate moments of my life.

This is classic Rinkel isshtyyle.. i am sure you might be full on aware about it by now! What?? You still don't know????? Obviously you cannot if you read the blog starting from the latest entry!! Go back to older pages for refrence or keep tracks of the future ones!!



P.S.I am sure God has lot more surprises up his sleeve :) Hope good ones from this time onwards! Amen.

Emotional ATYACHAAR!

Sorry for copying the title from the latest raving song at present. Cudn't find a more apt title than this.[ Actually, cudn't think of anything to title this post.. dis was d frst thng that came to my mind on account of watching it on tv over and over again...btw if going by such standards then i shud i hve titled the post Masakali Masakali.. seeing the entralling impact of the song on my conscience..but then it wud have been diffcult to write on a topic of which even i don't have any idea about ..lolz]

I love my sense of humor. Anywayz getting back to the whole idea of today's post. Well, that's just it. There is No Specific 'IDEA' behind it. This is just a random mumbo jumbo of my thoughts. I felt like writing but didn't know what to write or rather didn't WANTED to write about the stuff botheirng me. I mean, there are certain limitations even in one's private blog and that too whedn you are the only one who reads it! :D But there's alwayz an element of being exposed in front of everyone, giving you a feeling of being stripped down to the core.And i don't want that.

The real point is am again swindling in the pool of my randon thoughts turning horrendous yet passive at times. I am trying to find a solution to the problem at hand yet keeping aside the MAIN problem at the back of my mind for the time being. So who is right this time??.. Is it my heart or my mind?? My heart tells me to be impulsive again and believe in what i know and what i want to believe in. Becuase my heart says it is true. But there goes my mind at that thought and imprisons me inside all those pointy doubt carving arrows that don't allow me to move flexibly. They ask me to think, ponder, consider.. and slow down my pace before i go in for a crash landing!!

The decision is taken then.. i have a knack of getting mixed up into all kinds of accidents and create a havic wherever i go. So why shud it be different this time too, even though it is my life which is i am talking about. So here it goes.. HEART RULES all the way..... with mind lolling behind slowly to catch up!! err.... is it a decision???? Well for me these double mind thinking is the way of life!! :)

Poetic Justice!

Too much confusion in life
going helter skelter in life..
Seeing your dream crumble in front of your eyes.
What more pathetic than this plight,
is the hope of rebuilding the dream from ashes
Nothing can be much worse than this right!

A very poor ending to a highly emotion strung poem.. Yes as you can recognize it easily, this is my first ever brush with the poetic dimensions of creative writing ,remaining aloof or rather ignorant of this beautiful form of expressing yourself in lieu of the supposed phobia that i am 'POETICALLY CHALLENGED' never gave me any inclination nor the enouragement to foray into this stream. But today i just opened the New Post page.. took hold of my digital pen [ keyboard] and started writing away and words flew out.. a very poor attempt.. but who cares i am not looking for an A+ or a star on my sheet!!